And did it MYYYYYYYYY WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

i've always had a movie soundtrack, constantly evolving in the back of my conscious mind. And in this land of perfect songs for perfect moments, a land which i am constantly constructing, i have always pictured myself overcoming adversity, tackling impossible odds, and winning out just in the nick of time, using ingenuity, to the tune of frank sinatra's "my way." now, i didn't imagine defeating a dragon or anything so dramatic...more like conquering a real-life scenario, which, in my line of work, can get pretty drastic and flurry-of-fuckingnuts. so anyway, it appears that my dream is about to come true. there's a number in my new musical, and it just so happens to be old blue eyes singing my way, remastered old vocal tracks with a 17 person live band, in which all the dancers are in nice outfits ...silver dresses and dinner jackets...just for that one number, and then they go back to half of the outfits they were wearing before, plus half of the outfits they wore at the top of the show. in any case, it shall be a massive feat of tracking, organization and fast action to get them onstage, then reset their costumes, adding in the other pieces and get everything ready on the correct sode of the stage...i am thinking it will only get done, just in the nick of time. and all to the tune of my way!

in honor of that, let's talk about some badass baking rules that make me do things my way:

i like fresh fruit. a lot. but i'm too lazy to make pie crust (easy as pie my ass), so i puree it into cupcakes, or add citrus zest to just about everything. (i am also considering delving into the world of puff pastry, in order to continue to circumvent the pie crust.)

this is the zester i have, only mine is green. it makes beautiful curliques, and i love it.

this is the sort of zester my parents have. perfect for zesting, grinding nutmeg, hard cheese, anything. it rocks for a nice, fluffy pile of zest and gets the job done quickly.

i love extra virgin coconut oil. it may not be as awesome in an expensive jar from the health food store, but i can get it fresh from the farmer's market a couple of times a year, and it is my moon goddess. coconut flavor without the sweetness. i like to do cookies with 1/2 butter and 1/2 evco. i like to use it to coat pans when nessecary...i found that the mini corn muffins i made that way were deee-licious. it basically actse like crisco...solid, but pliable at room temperature, melts easily, binds as a fat.

self-rising flour is made by adding 1 1/2 t baking powder and 1/2 t salt to 1 c all-purpose flour.

butter should always be unsalted for baking. and room temperature. as a matter of fact, anything you are whipping (cream, eggwhites) should be cold, and in a chilled bowl, but everything else (including eggs) should be at room temp. butter, btw, freezes well, so get a lot of it when it's on sale!

sifting is for suckers.

shaking your hips or otherwise dancing is always better than not doing these things. when folding in eggwhites or whipped cream, a slow lean-sip-swerve motion is preferred. slight undulation is welcome when massaging a rissoto.

everyone loves a baked good, and that's because everyone loves knowing that you created a sweet, fresh item just for them. i try to bring this idea from baking to my life and vice versa. just throwing the love i have for people out into the universe makes my life a better place...in a paper wraper or without one!

next time you hear "my way," picture me emerging from a tangled mess of dance shoes and skirts, clutching some all-important bobby pin, victorious.

Vegan Cookies that ROCK!

my father, bless his heart, has been on this infuriating diet for years now...granted, he is thinner than he's been in 35 years, and granted it does a lot to make him worry less about hereditary heart problems, but GAH! dr. dean ornish is a brilliant man, but sometimes i'd like to write him a letter, informing him that he needs some damn mashed potatoes! with cheese!

so, i've adapted this recipe (that lovely, lovely jane sent me) to be even healthier than it was before. now, i'll be real with you...the next time i make this, it will be at home, and i will use 1/2 cup brown sugar, and i will put chocolate chips in this beast, but this is pretty good. it's vegan, whole grain, sugar-free (except for the naturally occurring fuit sugars...i can't speak to its diabetic-friendliness), and oil-free (again, excepting the naturally occurring oil in nuts. yeah, i typed that.) now the texture of these cookies will be a bit fluffier than you'er used to. if you use brown sugar or molasses instead of sugar-substitute, it should weigh them down slightly. also, i find that using quick oats instead of the old-fashioned oats that i prefer can get your cookies a little more mucked-up and squooshed together. what? shakespeare made up words too, you know.

Your ingredients:
1- 1/2 c. mashed bananas
1/2 c. applesauce (dad makes his own, out of his homegrown, organic apples, with no added sugar. isn't he precious? i love it here.)
2 t. vanilla extract
1/4 c. + 1Tbsp Sugar-equivalent sweetener. (we use apriva, which is a splenda knock-off)
1 c. whole wheat flour
1- 1/2 t. baking powder
dash salt
dash nutmeg (i always add more nutmeg than asked for, especially with bananas or peaches...so let's call it a smidge!)
1 t. cinnamon
3/4 c. oatmeal
1 c. add-ins (i used 1/2 golden raisins and 1/2 crushed pecans. on a related note, how will i ever go back to my apartment and our small-sized cuisinart, which i have to get off the shelf and plug in every time? i am spoiled by food processor accessibility.)
peaches. (this one is the kicker. i only figured this out after the first batch, because my father is also tooling around in the kitchen. he's making peaches to freeze and eat later, because he bought 30 lbs of ripe peaches from the farmers' market yesterday and there's really only so much you can do in 24 hours. so he parboiled them, then threw them in icewater [to stop the cooking process, and it also makes it so you can shrug them right out of their skins.] then he removed the skins, cut them up, and threw them in a big bowl with more artificial sweetener & a bunch of cinnamon and nutmeg. this is what i had on hand, which makes me a lucky young lady. you may use whatever you'd like, but i'm betting canned peaches will do the same thing.)

perhaps you find yourself wondering what song was stuck in my head the whole time?

so, anyway,


preheat oven to 350*

i think there should be a degree symbol key, so i choose asterisk in defiance.

blend bananas, applesauce, vanilla, and sugar or sugar substitute. you guessed it. i used the food processor.

in another bowl, mix flour, baking powder, salt, nutmeg, cinnamon, & oatmeal. don't be shy here. add more cinnamon, more nutmeg, some almond extract, a dash of clove...do what you will! it'll be lovely!

pour wet and dry together, mix 'em up, and then fold in additions.

drop those babies onto some parchment paper on a cookie sheet (see? no need for oil here either! plus, easy cleanup!). now comes the beauty part. did you ever have those cookies when you were little that looked like a hershey's kiss was growing out of them? do that, but with peaches. you will thank me for it. i prefer to add the peaches after 3-5 minutes of baking time, so that the cookies are starting to take form before i squish something into them. bake for about 15 minutes, total. when done, you can pluck them right off of the parchment paper.





so here are a couple of observations ala kate:





i feel comfortable eating 1,237,583 of these, as i have convinced myself they are basically a warm sip of smoothie. feel free to follow my bad example.





vegan cooking and baking can be fun, if you have the right substitutions! i've been on such a butter kick lately, i was starting to forget! of course, i am eating one of these warm, delicious cookies right now, with a huge glass of milk, so stick that in your vegan organic corncob hashpipe and smoke it.





i watched julie and julia today. it was lovely and made me proud to have this blog, even if the only people who look at it are my dear friends that i force to read it! except that the other day, we got a comment from a person named amber. who are you, amber? are you evan's girlfriend? are you a friend of lis'? are you *possibly* just a random person? in any case, thanks for liking the blog. here's to you, amber.





here's to you, dad! i'm proud of your commitment to healthy eating and living. i'm proud of your commitment to having a light carbon footprint (even though you don't call it that...to you it's just the way you know to love the planet). thank you for influencing me to be a workaholic who spends her few days off in the kitchen, entertaining, cooking, baking, laughing, and generally caring for my loved ones, near or far. you're a prince, daddy.

lime-in-da-coconut cupcakes

do you ever find yourself motivated to do something, just because you have a song stuck in your head? well. yesterday, i should have just listened to the joy of cooking about how to make that sweet, subtle, coconut milk pudding. but i did not. because i started thinking to myself...you put the lime in da coconut and shake it all up, you put the lime in da coconut...etc. but that shit tasted gross. so today, i made it into delicious cupcakes. take that, failure! when life gives me lemons, i'll fucking bake some shit! i'm not even scared.

furthermore, this entry serves to be a reminder of my firmly-held belief that the reason we all think that baking is a careful science is that type-a bakers and bakresses are just trying to make us feel badly about ourselves. i jacked up that pudding recipe. and these cupcakes showed warning signs of disaster several times. but they turned out light, fluffy, delectably crispy around the top edges and addictive like a teen aged girl reading twilight, you feel me?

ok, cream together:

1 stick u/s butter

1/4 c light brown sugar

1/2 c granulated sugar

add:
1 whole egg, plus 1 egg yolk

then, if you're a jackass like me, you can add:
1/2 c. lime-in-da-coconut pudding (the recipe, as i altered it to its detriment, went a little like 1 can coconut milk, juice of 1/2 lime, scant 2T sugar, scant 2T cornstarch, scant 1/8 t salt) you are lucky i am not posting the picture i took of that ugly dessert. ew. what you can do, instead, is use 1/3 cup coconut milk and the juice of 1/2 lime, plus one more tablespoon of sugar. that's really a much better idea. the joy of cooking is the bible to little ladies like me. i don't know why i was all worshipping a golden calf of adding lime juice! what's that? no one except me thinks golden calf jokes are funny? oh, ok.

at this point, my batter started to have that really unfortunate, i'm-trying-to-separate-from-myself look..you know the one...all slimy...i blame the pudding. (gentle reminder that no one should be intimidated by fear of baking disaster!) in any case, i shut that shit down by adding...

the dry ingredients:
1- 1/4 c. a.p. flour
2- 1/2 t. baking powder
1/4 t. salt
zest of 1/2 lime

wow, that baby goes fast!

except, they didn't taste really delicious yet. i kept thinking of adding vanilla or almond extract, but i didn't want to overpower the coconut milk. i did find the oldest known bottle of imitation coconut extract in the cabinet...

can you believe that shit? ...but it was actually empty. i just left it there, because that shit is hilarious! it was actually price marked 75 cents...ummm...ok, did you guys realize that the cent symbol is not even on the keyboard anymore? man, i am so old.

anyway, right around this time, i had my first brilliant epiphany, and added:

3 T. shredded sweetened coconut flakes. btw, i had a long talk with my mother this evening about how she needs to replace that wallpaper.
(and another 1/4 t. baking powder, but i'm not convinced that was necessary. yeah, ignore that)

this made the batter delicious enough for my favorite method of kitchen-aid beater cleanup:



the other epiphany was about the glaze on top. can you guess what it might involve?

bake until they're damn well good and ready. (this is why i think the other 1/4 t. baking soda was superfluous. they got all excited and exceeded their cups!) my parents have this little device called a cake tester. i get my obsession with kitchen gadgets naturally. the thing is, a toothpick actually works better than this device. but who am i to judge?

while the cakes were not yet cool enough to consume (i really just can't learn), i made my glaze.

now, i find the taste of confectioner's sugar overpowering and ooky, so i am always trying to alter it. this time, i did:

1/2 c. confectioner's sugar

1t. orange blossom honey

3 t. spiced rum

blend and drizzle, my frizzle.

except that the taste still grossed me out, so i added 2- 1/2 more teaspoons rum, poured over cupcakes and poked holes with the cake tester(finally! a good use for it!), so the booze would get all up in there. the cakes were pretty friggin' alright then. but when they cooled, they were freaking delicious.

you should know that this idea was inspired by a coconut cake recipe in the new york times cookbook, which substitutes coconut milk for milk. you should also know that this cookbook is ever present in my childhood memories. for example, this is the page with the pancake recipe. can you see the evidence of all 3 kids there? and how much we loved dying breakfast green on st. patrick's day?

unemployment cupcakes (peach cupcakes with lemon almond buttercream)

ok, blogworld. two things are granted:

one - we have been ignoring this blog. sorry. couple of undependable bitches, we.

two - i am unemployed and in tactical retreat. this means i have come to visit my parents. which, in turn, means:

a. i have nothing but time,

b. my parents' anniversary is today, so i wanted to make some dessert for them, and

c. i drove through gaffney, sc, 2 days ago, which means

I. i have ripe peaches in my possession.

sooooooo, i invented peach cupcakes. yeah. and it was a reeeeeally good idea.

i roughly based this recipe on something in the joy of cooking (the bible), a cake recipe called lightning cake. this means that many of my measurements are in hillbilly language, like scosh(sp?), pinch, dash, splash. i took that recipe, added a ton of deliciousness and a little more baking powder and put it into a paper-lined muffin pan. god bless the u. s. of a, baby. freedom of choice.

ok, cream together: (that means the kitchen aid beater that looks like an upside-down, melted peace sign, in my book.)

1 stick butter (unsalted, room temperature...i would think you knew that by now.)

1 cup white sugar

Then add, one at a time, while still beating:

3 eggs (room temperature, or i pity the fool!)

then add

the zest and juice of 1/2 lemon (btw, lemon = glory. i fucking love that tart little motherfucker.)

dash of nutmeg

splash of almond extract. (call me crazy, but organic almond extract is way better than normal)

and then stop beating your batter, perv!

stir in with a wooden spoon, a whisk or whatever suits you:

your flour mixture. what's that? you wanna know more? ok, fine.

1 cup all-purpose flour

1 1/4 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp salt

i always just give a quick whisking to my flour mixture before adding it to the batter, to combine ingredients and do a quick lump search, because sifting is for suckers.

now, stir in:

one fucking delicious, ripe, perfect peach, diced. no need to peel. it worked just fine this way. but if you'd like, i recommend dropping it for a few seconds into boiling water, then ice water...the skin will peel right off! i also considered pureeing it in the cuisinart, but was too lazy, so if you go that route, let me know how it works out, ok?

pour into paper-lined muffin pan, 2/3 full...bake at 350 for...ummm...ok, i wasn't paying attention, but i'm sure it's somewhere between 15 and 25 minutes, and you know how to check if it's done! golden top, toothpick inserted in center comes out clean!

now make some buttercream!

i did a half recipe, because i didn't want to ice all 12 right now, and my father won't eat much butter anyway.

whip (that's right, baby, the whisk-looking attachment on the kitchen aid! as a general rule, when whipping anything, i start at stir, slowly work my way up, and don't go beyond 8 for whipping!)

1/2 stick butter

1 scant cup confectioner's sugar

2 splashes vanilla extract

zest of 1/2 lemon

1 wee scosh almond extract.

whip until it's a little fluffy. now the tricky part is actually letting your cupcakes cool. warm cupcakes will seriously melt and sabotage your buttercream, but if you're anything like me, you'll do it anyway. (and i recommend trying a cake warm, because those baked warm peaches are sexy.)

sorry, loves, i am away from my faithful webcam, so i do not have a picture of these, but rest assured, they are golden, with a slightly more browned tinge on top from the peach juice. the buttercream ended up kinda taupe, because i was waaay excited about the vanilla. anyway, the following is a picture of what they taste like:

Big Girl Panties Cupcakes- Chocolate Stout Cupcakes with Salted Caramel Cream Cheese Frosting

I'm gonna just go ahead and put this out there- These cupcakes are NOT for the faint hearted. They are not for children. They are not for the fragile or the delicate. These fuckers are NOT for pussies.

The cupcakes aren't sweet. They are intense, chocolaty and a lil' bit bitter. The icing is light, fluffy and sweet but insanely dimensional in flavor.

To sum it up- if you want to enjoy these cupcakes, put on your big girl panties and roll up your sleeves.

Cupcakes

Measure Yo' Shit:
1 cup delicious, sinful dark beer - I thought it would be a good idea to "taste-test" 4 different beers before choosing the perfect one. I chose Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout but I think any of them would have been awesome.
1/2 cup unsalted butter
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa - I used Ghirardelli because that's what I had, but I usually prefer Valrhona for, well, anything really.
2 cups dark brown sugar
2 teaspoons instant espresso powder - Instant coffee worked just fine.
3/4 cup sour cream
2 eggs
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
2 cups flour
2 1/2 teaspoons baking soda

Get Your Mix On-
Just to put this out there- I think the cupcake recipe could probably use some tweaking. There's a little too much baking soda and maybe not enough chocolate. I'm also morally opposed to being deprived of using my kitchenaid when I bake.

1)Try not to drink all the beer before you start. I know that shit is good as hell- but there should be plenty left over to drink while you bake.
2)Melt the butter and the beer over medium low heat
3)Whisk in the cocoa, sugar and espresso (coffee). This is the one part of the process that doesn't require EXACT measurement. Taste test it because this shit might be even better than the cupcakes. It's like drinking chocolate with coffee and beer. Seriously? Are you shitting me? Could anything BE any more delicious?
4) Mix the sour cream, eggs and vanilla and then add in the beer hot mocha heaven. It looks real purty when your mix it.
5) Of course you're supposed to sift the flour and baking soda. Personally, I don't believe in sifting. Throw that shit in a bowl and mix it up with your fingers. You are baking, bitch- if you aren't getting messy, you aren't doing it right.
6) Apparently you are supposed to fold that shit into the batter. I dunno, dude. The batter looked chunky- like fucking brownie mix and it tasted so baking soda-y that it made me pucker my lips...
7) Find some super cute cupcake liners. I would recommend the silver ones because the chocolate stained my cute vintage swirly ones. Bake at 350 for 25 minutes.
8) You can sit around and wait for that shit to cool down before icing, or you can throw it in the freezer. I'm impatient.

Salted Caramel:

4 tablespoons water
1 cup brown sugar
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
1/2 cup heavy cream
2 tablespoons butter
1/2 teaspoon lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon salt, kosher or sea

1) Heat the water, sugar, and the corn syrup on medium low. Maybe don't taste-test the carmel until it's done. That shit gets HOT. I have a burned tongue to prove it.

2)That's right, go ahead and put the lid on to reduce temptation. 3 minutes should do the trick.

3) Increase the heat ever so slightly. No more stirring from hear on out- just shake and shimmy the pan so you don't burn your delicious caramel. Now, I should remind you that you're supposed to be listening to mirah- this means you should be singing at the top of your lungs to The Garden right about now and doing interpretive dance in your kitchen.

4) It's gonna bubble and get really funky looking for a while. Be patient and keep shaking the pot until it looks like amber.

5) Remove the pot from the heat and pour in the heavy cream... mmmmmm, heavy cream

6) You're allowed to stir it again, but, seriously kids, I know you didn't follow my advice and you tasted it the first time. Try not to make the same mistake again. This shit is hot. Like me and K

7) Add the butter, lemon juice, and salt and stir that shit like it's been misbehaving.

8) Pour into a glass bowl or measuring cup and let it sit for about 20 minutes. You should be able to taste it after a couple of minutes. Blow first. It will thicken with time- just like the hottest girls I know.

Frosting:

So, I followed the recipe fairly strictly up until this point- The first time I try a new recipe, I tend to be pretty obedient. I'm sure I will update this entry the more times I bake it. The icing? That's a different story. That's the part of cupcake baking that I love- it's so hard to mess it up and you can just add shit and taste until you get what you want.

1.5 sticks unsalted butter at room temperature
6 ounces cream cheese
4-7 cups powdered sugar
3/4 cup salted caramel

Oh, I might've added half of a scraped out vanilla bean and 1/2 a cup of beer. Because I like beer.

1) throw in the dairy goodness and beat that shit into submission. Usually 1 or 2 minutes gets it nice and creamy.

2) Remember, sifting is bullshit. Throw two cups of sugar and mix for another minute

3) added the salted caramel (ssshhhh- and some beer)

4) now keep adding sugar, scraping the sides and bottom, mixing and adding sugar until you've got a good thick consistency that isn't crunchy in your teeth.

Put It All Together:

• Frost the cupcakes- I used my standard 1M and just did a yogurt pump swirl
• Drizzle leftover salted caramel over them- I found it looked best if you try to drizzle in the general direction that you frosted
• Sprinkle some kosher salt over the top.
  
• Garnish with chocolate covered espresso beans.

Hattip: http://thebrooklynkitchen.wordpress.com/2008/05/20/best-in-show-the-prizewinning-cupcakes/

Bradley's Butter-Scotchies

from kate:
cupcakes take time, you know.

don't judge me. i'm adding a cookie recipe. i work for this theatre company, and the associate artists and other folk who have been there forever (like myself) are pretty much like a family. and one of us has a serious amount of back pain right now, so we are all worried... because we love our family, and this man is the sweetness and the heart of the universe. also, when things start to go sour, i make cookies in the toaster oven downstairs. it helps. a warm cookie goes a long way in making people feel comforted. so this is a toaster oven recipe for bradley, whom we all want to get better soon.

First, i wanna say this: you always hear that baking, unlike cooking, is an exact science. measure carefully or your baking will turn out like some sort of nightmare. well, i think that's just what other bakresses say to make themselves feel superior about their type-a personalities. suck on that, other bakresses! (to be fair, it is much more important in baking cakes which need to rise than in baking cookies.)

anyway, this is my alteration of the back-of-the-bag recipe. it is lower in fat and has about half the sugar of the other recipe, but let's be honest here: that's really because i ran out of some ingredients. but they taste pretty effing good, so it's all gravy!

Get Yourself Some Stuff:
1 1/4 c. all-purpose flour
1 t. baking soda
1/2 t. salt
1/2 t. cinnamon
1 stick u/s butter, softened
1/4 c. extra virgin coconut oil (which is my moon goddess)
1/4 c. white sugar
1/2 c. packed dark brown sugar
2 eggs
1 t. vanilla (i used that tasty vanilla bean paste again. damn, that stuff is delicious.)
zest of one orange
3 c. oats (either kind. old-fashioned will make your cookies have a different texture. quick oats will taste just as good, but be more uniform in texture...they break up more during baking. i like old-fashioned, but the most important thing, to me, is that they have that quaker guy on the front. because i'm a quaker. and i think it would be funny if i looked like him.)
11 oz pkg (1 2/3 c.) butterscotch chips

Live the Dream!
~combine flour, baking soda, salt and cinnamon in small bowl
~beat butter, coconut oil, sugars, eggs, vanilla and zest in mixer until well combined.
~gradually beat in flour mixture
~stir in oats and chips
~drop in enormously overflowing tbsps onto teeny toaster oven cookie sheet (put some foil on that beast! you're at work!)
~bake at 375 for 9 (-11) minutes. they will be soft and squishy and oh-so delicious!
~then think for a second about how much you love somebody, anybody...and wish them good health.

Auntie Bap-Bap's Frozen Key Lime Cupcakes (yields 12)

Ok, so this recipe is easy as pie. Wait, it's totally easier than pie. It's easy as Jell-O mold. I thought about calling them Foresight Cupcakes, because the only catch with them is that you have to think ahead and make them 3 hours in advance!

Get yourself some stuff:
6 key limes
1Tbsp lemon juice
1/2 cup sugar
1 pint heavy whipping cream. motherfucker, heavy whipping cream is delicious.
1/2 stick unsalted butter
1Tbsp + 1tsp dark brown sugar
1/2 cup crushed cornflakes
1/2 cup crushed graham crackers
1 tsp vanilla extract

Do it Up!:
1. Melt butter, and add brown sugar, crumbly bits and vanilla.
2. Here comes the tricky part: do not proceed by eating that shit with a fork. You may think you can resist, but next thing you know, you're a grown-ass woman, standing in your kitchen eating crust like it's cereal.
3. Seriously, stop eating it and put it in a cupcake pan. You can moosh it down with a wooden spoon a little, but don't worry that it's not packing solidly in there...we're gonna freeze all that business together.
4. Combine white sugar, zest of four key limes, and juice of five in a bowl. Whisk together.
5. Slowly add heavy cream. Don't fuck with me on this one...start slowly, because I really fear the curdling of the whipping cream, and have a belief that that's why we're adding it slowly.
6. Attempt not to begin a life of hermitage, while drinking said citrus-y cream. Instead, try to make the grown-ass woman choice and pour it over the crusts.
7. Freeze for three excruciating hours.
8. Remove from pans. Are you wondering where the last key lime comes in? It's here. Ever been a bartender? Slice off the ends of the wee lime, then half lengthwise, then slice the other way. Remove lime fruit and twist the rind that's left behind. This is called a lime twist. Right now, it's the thing making the dessert pretty, but many times, it is the object making your cocktail delicately fruit-flavored and fancy-looking as all get out. I dip them in sugar for these purposes, and then I just eat the little fellas if I please.

Helpful Hints:
Listening to Mirah makes these cupcakes more delicious.