Paid for my Services!!!

Disclaimer: Sorry these photos are totally hosed. I took them with my camera phone. I promise to get a digital camera someday.

Okay, I totally should have priced my services higher, because i spent a whoooole bunch of hours on these cupcakes, planning, shopping, baking, etc, and i only made $10 more than i spent, but it was delightful to have someone pay me!!

The client, a friend of a friend, had a one-year birthday party to cupcake-ify.

Though I now wish I had made these stupid-adorable little guys, i made chickens and pigs instead.

The chickens were strawberry cupcakes, aka birthday beauties from the amazing cupcake cookbook that has never done me wrong. only it did me wrong! the cupcakes came out more like muffins. I'll work on finding a new strawberry batter. Maybe adapt the peach one I made up this august...I'm allergic, so I'm personally in no big panty-twisting rush to get a perfect strawberry cupcake in my life. anyway, hopefully they loved them anyway, because they were absolutely mounded with lemon zest buttercream.

I recently made this amazing coffee cake...literally recipe from a fantastic blog. Make immediately. Only do as I did, and make them mini-cupcakes with frosting poofs, rather than a layer cake. They're very rich, and bite-sized is definitely the way to go.

Soooooooo, the I adapted her coffee buttercream recipe for my lemonzest buttercream, adding instead of instant coffee granules 2 1/2 lemons worth of zest and a little squeeze of juice as well. now, it seems like you can't add lemon juice to things with cream in them, but that's just not true! it's actually a delightful taste combination...you just have to be beating the cream as you add the lemon. That way, everything mixes and the flavors play nice without any sort of dreaded curdle situation.

Anyway, I decorated them with those little orange slice candies, which I had cut while watching grey's anatomy and weeping, and some black decorating gel.

Here is a dark, fuzzy picture of one (i promise, I am looking at digital cameras right now!)











The pigs are chocolate mousse cupcakes from the amazing cupcake cookbook that has only once ever done me wrong. Basically, you make a quick mousse, then whisk in some flour, baking powder and salt and bake. They come out a little smooshed and ugly in the middle, but that's a small price to pay for mousse cupcakes! I frosted them with cream-cheese buttercream. I only slightly changed the recipe i got it from, playing slightly with proportions, (also doing it in the wrong order) and adding extra vanilla bean paste. deeeee-licous! The noses were perfect, if i do say so myself! strawberry mentos gum. The chocolate chips i bought to make eyes and nostrils with did very nicely in the god-among-men cookies would you like the recipe for those? i could post it if you want it. pumpkin chocolate chip? i made yesterday, because they were a pain in the ass, so i just used black decorating gel again.

Here's a little piggy.


















And my army of swine!!!!! Muahahhahahahahahahaaaaa!



Here's to the future! I learned some things...like that I should charge a little more...and to find a less muffiny strawberry cupcake recipe...and to not double the icing...my fridge is still full of various buttercreams! but the most important thing i learned is that food color gel is my moon goddess. it colors amazingly, with just a little product...doesn't make buttercream separate... i want to throw a fucking party for the wilton people. this stuff is life changing, people!


I leave you with this army of chickens:

lime-in-da-coconut cupcakes

do you ever find yourself motivated to do something, just because you have a song stuck in your head? well. yesterday, i should have just listened to the joy of cooking about how to make that sweet, subtle, coconut milk pudding. but i did not. because i started thinking to myself...you put the lime in da coconut and shake it all up, you put the lime in da coconut...etc. but that shit tasted gross. so today, i made it into delicious cupcakes. take that, failure! when life gives me lemons, i'll fucking bake some shit! i'm not even scared.

furthermore, this entry serves to be a reminder of my firmly-held belief that the reason we all think that baking is a careful science is that type-a bakers and bakresses are just trying to make us feel badly about ourselves. i jacked up that pudding recipe. and these cupcakes showed warning signs of disaster several times. but they turned out light, fluffy, delectably crispy around the top edges and addictive like a teen aged girl reading twilight, you feel me?

ok, cream together:

1 stick u/s butter

1/4 c light brown sugar

1/2 c granulated sugar

add:
1 whole egg, plus 1 egg yolk

then, if you're a jackass like me, you can add:
1/2 c. lime-in-da-coconut pudding (the recipe, as i altered it to its detriment, went a little like 1 can coconut milk, juice of 1/2 lime, scant 2T sugar, scant 2T cornstarch, scant 1/8 t salt) you are lucky i am not posting the picture i took of that ugly dessert. ew. what you can do, instead, is use 1/3 cup coconut milk and the juice of 1/2 lime, plus one more tablespoon of sugar. that's really a much better idea. the joy of cooking is the bible to little ladies like me. i don't know why i was all worshipping a golden calf of adding lime juice! what's that? no one except me thinks golden calf jokes are funny? oh, ok.

at this point, my batter started to have that really unfortunate, i'm-trying-to-separate-from-myself look..you know the one...all slimy...i blame the pudding. (gentle reminder that no one should be intimidated by fear of baking disaster!) in any case, i shut that shit down by adding...

the dry ingredients:
1- 1/4 c. a.p. flour
2- 1/2 t. baking powder
1/4 t. salt
zest of 1/2 lime

wow, that baby goes fast!

except, they didn't taste really delicious yet. i kept thinking of adding vanilla or almond extract, but i didn't want to overpower the coconut milk. i did find the oldest known bottle of imitation coconut extract in the cabinet...

can you believe that shit? ...but it was actually empty. i just left it there, because that shit is hilarious! it was actually price marked 75 cents...ummm...ok, did you guys realize that the cent symbol is not even on the keyboard anymore? man, i am so old.

anyway, right around this time, i had my first brilliant epiphany, and added:

3 T. shredded sweetened coconut flakes. btw, i had a long talk with my mother this evening about how she needs to replace that wallpaper.
(and another 1/4 t. baking powder, but i'm not convinced that was necessary. yeah, ignore that)

this made the batter delicious enough for my favorite method of kitchen-aid beater cleanup:



the other epiphany was about the glaze on top. can you guess what it might involve?

bake until they're damn well good and ready. (this is why i think the other 1/4 t. baking soda was superfluous. they got all excited and exceeded their cups!) my parents have this little device called a cake tester. i get my obsession with kitchen gadgets naturally. the thing is, a toothpick actually works better than this device. but who am i to judge?

while the cakes were not yet cool enough to consume (i really just can't learn), i made my glaze.

now, i find the taste of confectioner's sugar overpowering and ooky, so i am always trying to alter it. this time, i did:

1/2 c. confectioner's sugar

1t. orange blossom honey

3 t. spiced rum

blend and drizzle, my frizzle.

except that the taste still grossed me out, so i added 2- 1/2 more teaspoons rum, poured over cupcakes and poked holes with the cake tester(finally! a good use for it!), so the booze would get all up in there. the cakes were pretty friggin' alright then. but when they cooled, they were freaking delicious.

you should know that this idea was inspired by a coconut cake recipe in the new york times cookbook, which substitutes coconut milk for milk. you should also know that this cookbook is ever present in my childhood memories. for example, this is the page with the pancake recipe. can you see the evidence of all 3 kids there? and how much we loved dying breakfast green on st. patrick's day?

unemployment cupcakes (peach cupcakes with lemon almond buttercream)

ok, blogworld. two things are granted:

one - we have been ignoring this blog. sorry. couple of undependable bitches, we.

two - i am unemployed and in tactical retreat. this means i have come to visit my parents. which, in turn, means:

a. i have nothing but time,

b. my parents' anniversary is today, so i wanted to make some dessert for them, and

c. i drove through gaffney, sc, 2 days ago, which means

I. i have ripe peaches in my possession.

sooooooo, i invented peach cupcakes. yeah. and it was a reeeeeally good idea.

i roughly based this recipe on something in the joy of cooking (the bible), a cake recipe called lightning cake. this means that many of my measurements are in hillbilly language, like scosh(sp?), pinch, dash, splash. i took that recipe, added a ton of deliciousness and a little more baking powder and put it into a paper-lined muffin pan. god bless the u. s. of a, baby. freedom of choice.

ok, cream together: (that means the kitchen aid beater that looks like an upside-down, melted peace sign, in my book.)

1 stick butter (unsalted, room temperature...i would think you knew that by now.)

1 cup white sugar

Then add, one at a time, while still beating:

3 eggs (room temperature, or i pity the fool!)

then add

the zest and juice of 1/2 lemon (btw, lemon = glory. i fucking love that tart little motherfucker.)

dash of nutmeg

splash of almond extract. (call me crazy, but organic almond extract is way better than normal)

and then stop beating your batter, perv!

stir in with a wooden spoon, a whisk or whatever suits you:

your flour mixture. what's that? you wanna know more? ok, fine.

1 cup all-purpose flour

1 1/4 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp salt

i always just give a quick whisking to my flour mixture before adding it to the batter, to combine ingredients and do a quick lump search, because sifting is for suckers.

now, stir in:

one fucking delicious, ripe, perfect peach, diced. no need to peel. it worked just fine this way. but if you'd like, i recommend dropping it for a few seconds into boiling water, then ice water...the skin will peel right off! i also considered pureeing it in the cuisinart, but was too lazy, so if you go that route, let me know how it works out, ok?

pour into paper-lined muffin pan, 2/3 full...bake at 350 for...ummm...ok, i wasn't paying attention, but i'm sure it's somewhere between 15 and 25 minutes, and you know how to check if it's done! golden top, toothpick inserted in center comes out clean!

now make some buttercream!

i did a half recipe, because i didn't want to ice all 12 right now, and my father won't eat much butter anyway.

whip (that's right, baby, the whisk-looking attachment on the kitchen aid! as a general rule, when whipping anything, i start at stir, slowly work my way up, and don't go beyond 8 for whipping!)

1/2 stick butter

1 scant cup confectioner's sugar

2 splashes vanilla extract

zest of 1/2 lemon

1 wee scosh almond extract.

whip until it's a little fluffy. now the tricky part is actually letting your cupcakes cool. warm cupcakes will seriously melt and sabotage your buttercream, but if you're anything like me, you'll do it anyway. (and i recommend trying a cake warm, because those baked warm peaches are sexy.)

sorry, loves, i am away from my faithful webcam, so i do not have a picture of these, but rest assured, they are golden, with a slightly more browned tinge on top from the peach juice. the buttercream ended up kinda taupe, because i was waaay excited about the vanilla. anyway, the following is a picture of what they taste like:

Big Girl Panties Cupcakes- Chocolate Stout Cupcakes with Salted Caramel Cream Cheese Frosting

I'm gonna just go ahead and put this out there- These cupcakes are NOT for the faint hearted. They are not for children. They are not for the fragile or the delicate. These fuckers are NOT for pussies.

The cupcakes aren't sweet. They are intense, chocolaty and a lil' bit bitter. The icing is light, fluffy and sweet but insanely dimensional in flavor.

To sum it up- if you want to enjoy these cupcakes, put on your big girl panties and roll up your sleeves.

Cupcakes

Measure Yo' Shit:
1 cup delicious, sinful dark beer - I thought it would be a good idea to "taste-test" 4 different beers before choosing the perfect one. I chose Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout but I think any of them would have been awesome.
1/2 cup unsalted butter
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa - I used Ghirardelli because that's what I had, but I usually prefer Valrhona for, well, anything really.
2 cups dark brown sugar
2 teaspoons instant espresso powder - Instant coffee worked just fine.
3/4 cup sour cream
2 eggs
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
2 cups flour
2 1/2 teaspoons baking soda

Get Your Mix On-
Just to put this out there- I think the cupcake recipe could probably use some tweaking. There's a little too much baking soda and maybe not enough chocolate. I'm also morally opposed to being deprived of using my kitchenaid when I bake.

1)Try not to drink all the beer before you start. I know that shit is good as hell- but there should be plenty left over to drink while you bake.
2)Melt the butter and the beer over medium low heat
3)Whisk in the cocoa, sugar and espresso (coffee). This is the one part of the process that doesn't require EXACT measurement. Taste test it because this shit might be even better than the cupcakes. It's like drinking chocolate with coffee and beer. Seriously? Are you shitting me? Could anything BE any more delicious?
4) Mix the sour cream, eggs and vanilla and then add in the beer hot mocha heaven. It looks real purty when your mix it.
5) Of course you're supposed to sift the flour and baking soda. Personally, I don't believe in sifting. Throw that shit in a bowl and mix it up with your fingers. You are baking, bitch- if you aren't getting messy, you aren't doing it right.
6) Apparently you are supposed to fold that shit into the batter. I dunno, dude. The batter looked chunky- like fucking brownie mix and it tasted so baking soda-y that it made me pucker my lips...
7) Find some super cute cupcake liners. I would recommend the silver ones because the chocolate stained my cute vintage swirly ones. Bake at 350 for 25 minutes.
8) You can sit around and wait for that shit to cool down before icing, or you can throw it in the freezer. I'm impatient.

Salted Caramel:

4 tablespoons water
1 cup brown sugar
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
1/2 cup heavy cream
2 tablespoons butter
1/2 teaspoon lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon salt, kosher or sea

1) Heat the water, sugar, and the corn syrup on medium low. Maybe don't taste-test the carmel until it's done. That shit gets HOT. I have a burned tongue to prove it.

2)That's right, go ahead and put the lid on to reduce temptation. 3 minutes should do the trick.

3) Increase the heat ever so slightly. No more stirring from hear on out- just shake and shimmy the pan so you don't burn your delicious caramel. Now, I should remind you that you're supposed to be listening to mirah- this means you should be singing at the top of your lungs to The Garden right about now and doing interpretive dance in your kitchen.

4) It's gonna bubble and get really funky looking for a while. Be patient and keep shaking the pot until it looks like amber.

5) Remove the pot from the heat and pour in the heavy cream... mmmmmm, heavy cream

6) You're allowed to stir it again, but, seriously kids, I know you didn't follow my advice and you tasted it the first time. Try not to make the same mistake again. This shit is hot. Like me and K

7) Add the butter, lemon juice, and salt and stir that shit like it's been misbehaving.

8) Pour into a glass bowl or measuring cup and let it sit for about 20 minutes. You should be able to taste it after a couple of minutes. Blow first. It will thicken with time- just like the hottest girls I know.

Frosting:

So, I followed the recipe fairly strictly up until this point- The first time I try a new recipe, I tend to be pretty obedient. I'm sure I will update this entry the more times I bake it. The icing? That's a different story. That's the part of cupcake baking that I love- it's so hard to mess it up and you can just add shit and taste until you get what you want.

1.5 sticks unsalted butter at room temperature
6 ounces cream cheese
4-7 cups powdered sugar
3/4 cup salted caramel

Oh, I might've added half of a scraped out vanilla bean and 1/2 a cup of beer. Because I like beer.

1) throw in the dairy goodness and beat that shit into submission. Usually 1 or 2 minutes gets it nice and creamy.

2) Remember, sifting is bullshit. Throw two cups of sugar and mix for another minute

3) added the salted caramel (ssshhhh- and some beer)

4) now keep adding sugar, scraping the sides and bottom, mixing and adding sugar until you've got a good thick consistency that isn't crunchy in your teeth.

Put It All Together:

• Frost the cupcakes- I used my standard 1M and just did a yogurt pump swirl
• Drizzle leftover salted caramel over them- I found it looked best if you try to drizzle in the general direction that you frosted
• Sprinkle some kosher salt over the top.
  
• Garnish with chocolate covered espresso beans.

Hattip: http://thebrooklynkitchen.wordpress.com/2008/05/20/best-in-show-the-prizewinning-cupcakes/

Auntie Bap-Bap's Frozen Key Lime Cupcakes (yields 12)

Ok, so this recipe is easy as pie. Wait, it's totally easier than pie. It's easy as Jell-O mold. I thought about calling them Foresight Cupcakes, because the only catch with them is that you have to think ahead and make them 3 hours in advance!

Get yourself some stuff:
6 key limes
1Tbsp lemon juice
1/2 cup sugar
1 pint heavy whipping cream. motherfucker, heavy whipping cream is delicious.
1/2 stick unsalted butter
1Tbsp + 1tsp dark brown sugar
1/2 cup crushed cornflakes
1/2 cup crushed graham crackers
1 tsp vanilla extract

Do it Up!:
1. Melt butter, and add brown sugar, crumbly bits and vanilla.
2. Here comes the tricky part: do not proceed by eating that shit with a fork. You may think you can resist, but next thing you know, you're a grown-ass woman, standing in your kitchen eating crust like it's cereal.
3. Seriously, stop eating it and put it in a cupcake pan. You can moosh it down with a wooden spoon a little, but don't worry that it's not packing solidly in there...we're gonna freeze all that business together.
4. Combine white sugar, zest of four key limes, and juice of five in a bowl. Whisk together.
5. Slowly add heavy cream. Don't fuck with me on this one...start slowly, because I really fear the curdling of the whipping cream, and have a belief that that's why we're adding it slowly.
6. Attempt not to begin a life of hermitage, while drinking said citrus-y cream. Instead, try to make the grown-ass woman choice and pour it over the crusts.
7. Freeze for three excruciating hours.
8. Remove from pans. Are you wondering where the last key lime comes in? It's here. Ever been a bartender? Slice off the ends of the wee lime, then half lengthwise, then slice the other way. Remove lime fruit and twist the rind that's left behind. This is called a lime twist. Right now, it's the thing making the dessert pretty, but many times, it is the object making your cocktail delicately fruit-flavored and fancy-looking as all get out. I dip them in sugar for these purposes, and then I just eat the little fellas if I please.

Helpful Hints:
Listening to Mirah makes these cupcakes more delicious.