Pantry Challenge: M*ther F*cking Layer Cake

So, MMM and I are at my parent's house for the holidays. (For those of you who don't remember the last pictures posted from here, please note the kitchen wallpaper. In their defense, they hate it. Also, please note that my father refuses to ever throw away tinfoil, no matter how used. See it, above the sink in the background there?)

I like to do pantry challenges (make some food with only what you can find). Also, I am definitely off the diet wagon for the holidays, so MMM and I made a cake. A F*cking Layer Cake. Oh mah guuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!

Into the Kitchen Aid bowl went a box of Golden Butter Cake mix, 1/3 cup Amaretto, 1/3 cup skim milk and 1/2 cup no sugar added applesauce and 3 of the delicious farm-fresh eggs that my parents get from people down the road with, like, nice chickens. You know, because West Virginia plus hippies equals Amish eggs and friendly birds. We whipped it good (it liked it, obviously, because it got all fluffy and delicious) and baked it in two 9" rounds at 350 until it was f*cking perfect. I think it was around 25 minutes, but I can't say for sure, because in the meantime, our relatives showed up, a day before Dad *thought* he had invited them, and we had a messy house and no food prepared. Like you do.

We let the cake cool while hanging out with the relatives and napping, and otherwise hiding from my family. It cooled for an even longer time as my father became stymied with the weight of needing to devise and implement a system with which to deal with yesterday's turkey.

Then, we iced that b*tch.

We found a very nice glass pie plate in a breakfront cabinet, which also contains a terrifying corncob man who sits on a rocking chair. Between the two perfect f*cking cakes of perfection, we smeared a nice layer of Dad's homemade sugar-free apple butter, and then on the top and the sides...

Missy busied herself with the turkey that stymied my father; else he would still be in there, trying to fit platters into the oven. In the Kitchen Aid, with the whippy device, I mixed one stick of softened butter, some powdered sugar (1 cup?), some maple extract (1/4 - 1/2 teaspoon?) and a splash of heavy cream. Maple damn buttercream, ladies and gentlemen. Damn it.

It's not a large recipe, but I believe that a cake this moist and delicious only needs a bit, so we frosted the cake, sprinkled a couple of teaspoons of graham cracker crumbs on top, mostly just for the speckledy look, and ate that sh*t up. Oh, dear me, I want some more.

Right. Now.

Butternut Squash "Mac'n'Cheese"

Dearest darlings-

I've been remiss. I haven't been sending you

recipes at all!

Personal updates: I am now officially Tattooed Domesticity, as I have a tattoo on my right shoulder. It's a flock of 6 swallows, a gesture of solidarity for my friend Tim, who is living

with ALS. I'm also captaining a team for the Atlanta Walk to

Defeat ALS. I will be return

ing to my theatre in about a week and a half, and sh

all continue to live the life of a glorified laundr

ess (albeit with a really cool job). Last night, with my former roommates, I watched 3 scary movies and ate sand-

witches and eye-popping soup, while drinking beer with eyeballs in it. (cocktail eyeballs: canned lychee with cranbe

rries in the pits!)

Today, I'm making a recipe that Michela swears will be a creamy, dreamy, tasty explosion of not-quite-mac-and-cheese. I'll blog as I go,

and you can do it with me!

Butternut squash can

just last forever. I've had this squash for a shameful amount of time...it moved with me to this apartment, as a matter of fact! I've grown to love butternut, and I'm thinking that's related to the fact that most of my recipes don't involve peeling it. I'm just gonna say it: f*ck peeling butternut squash. It is such a total pain in the bottom! But, ok, I peeled this one. Then I seeded it, and cut it into chunks.

A little tip for you: a

nyone who tells you they like peeling a butternut squas

h: liar. Into the oven (@375) it goes, tossed with a couple Tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil and a teaspoon or two of herbs de provence (Michela said to use rosemary...use whatever you want)! That was about 20-25 minutes ago, and my house is starting to smell delectably like herb-y, baking squash, so I'm gonna go start the next steps. (It is, btw, a firm belief of mine that most food's doneness can be discerned by smelling.)

Oh, yum. I've just had my first bite. Here's what I did while we were parted:

Well, first of all, I think I over-roasted the squash just a little, but that gave me an excuse to

pinch off the crispy bits and snack on them. I boiled the squash with a pot of 1 cup milk [

actually, I'm out of milk, so I used nonfat dry milk, which worked perfectly well! (whisk together 7/8 cup

cold water and 1/3 nonfat dry milk)], and

1 cup low-sodium chicken stock. Trader Joe's makes a good one, but I r

oasted a chicken last month, so I made my own stock out of the carcass and froze it in ziplocks of 1-cup-each. I can't tell you how

accomplished I felt, using one!

While I was getting down with the sauce, I started to boil the pasta, whole

wheat fusilli. I think I used about 1 1/2 cups dry.

I whisked and I mashed and I stirred. Here ar

e my implements of squash-destruction:

I added the pasta when it was not yet fully cooked: a coup

le of minutes before al-dente. It was around this time that I realized that my sauce was not really thickening. I'm betting that if I used sweet potatoes instead of squash, the natural starches would have done it, but as it was, I sifted in a couple

of tablespoons of whole-wheat pastry flour.

I should mention, speaking of my friend Timmy, that my phone shuffled to some songs of his from college while I was cooking, and it was adorable. Oh, dear me, he used to write songs about our friends...it was pretty much the cutest thing that an electric guitar ever did.

Anyway, my yumminess was thickening quite nicely. One might call it done. But I'm a bad person. So I added a wee fistful of grated parmesan cheese. Please allow me to reiterate: this was a wholly unnecessary step. I only did it because I am a bad woman.

And, because I remained an unrepentant bad person, I topped my serving with some homemade, whole wheat bread crumbs. (I still haven't found a good whole wheat, 1lb bread machine, low salt recipe, but my sh*tty bread makes yummy dried crumbs!) And then, because I'm a bit of a good person, too, I added some flat-leaf Italian parsley.

Bon Appetit!

Sassy Saturday Buckwheat Pancakes

Boy, I am a catch.

Ok, so I've finally come up with a buckwheat pancake recipe that I find flavorful and healthy! Believe you me, darlings, I have made some terrible pancakes in the last 6 months. (and if you know me at all, you know that pains me deeply, as I am totally awesome at pancakes.) I finally just decided to stop following other people's recipes and alter my own favorite pancake

recipe. The page in my mother's cookbook where this recipe comes from is one of my favorite things on Earth. The cookbook opens to the page when dropped, because it is coated in old batter spatters and drops of food coloring...pink for Valentine's day, green for St. Patrick's day...it's like a post-modern road-map of my youth. If Jackson Pollack wanted to say something about me childhood, he would need to look no further.

Anyway, here's the recipe. Cook, eat, love.

Sift together:

1/2 cup whole wheat flour

1/2 cup buckwheat flour

2 Tbsp flax seed meal

2 Tbsp pecan meal

1/4 tsp sea salt

2 1/2 tsp no-sodium baking powder

There are some coarse things in this mix. I used a whisk to work them through the sifter, then dumped the last couple of tablespoons of yummy pecan chunks, etc in anyway and gave it all a little whisk. Feel free to skip the sifting, as I usually do; I just wanted as even a consistency as possible while refining my technique.

In a smaller bowl, mix:

1 cup skim milk

3 Tbsp melted and cooled extra virgin coconut oil (feel free to sub vegetable oil or butter...mmmm...butter...)

1/4 cup egg beaters (1 egg equivalent)

1 tsp amber agave nectar

1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce (optional: I like adding the applesauce for flavor, but it makes the consistency of the pancakes a little gooey inside after cooking. I tried it both ways this morning, and definitely prefer the with-applesauce option, but if you want a very fluffy pancake, skip it. Also, be aware that the batter will be thicker than normal pancakes, and if you don't add the applesauce, the pancakes will not bubble when it is time to flip; you just have to keep an eye on the underside.)

Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and combine with a couple of strokes. The batter will seem runny for a minute, but thicken quickly. (It's all that baking powder.)

Now heat a skillet and spray with cooking spray, or coat with a little butter for more flavor. Dole out batter (about a 1/4 cup per pancake). I added about a tablespoon of frozen wild organic blueberries to the top of each one right after putting them in the pan. I highly reccommend adding some fruit, but the pancakes are good without as well!

I served mine with a little butter (oooh yeah!) and some sugar-free maple syrup.

"Why, sometimes I believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast!"

Ok, first of all, there is no such thing as heart-healthy fettuccine alfredo. But, this thing I just made is whole grain, low-sodium and effing delicious! it's high in fat, and you could probably play around with subbing nonfat greek yogurt for the creme fraiche and olive oil for the butter, but dude. this. oh god. ohhhh, this was good.

mmmm, guuuuuuh. (just now, i walked away from the computer to get the piece of bread i threw in the toaster and sop up all the leftover sauce with it.)

anyway, it was easy as 1-2-3, simple as doe-rae-me.

i boiled some unsalted (sigh) pasta water and threw in the package of fresh,whole wheat fettuccine i just got on sale at the farmers; market.

meanwhile, i threw into my serving dish a scant tablespoon of salted butter, cut into chunks and

then spooned around it 2 oz of creme fraiche. i sprinkled 2 teaspoons of plain old store-brand grated parmesan on top and cracked a bunch of pepper on there, too.

when the pasta was al dente (i used about 1/3 lb fresh, btw), i used my tongs to throw it right into the serving dish and then to toss it. i sprinkled another 2 teaspoons of parm on top.

i served mine with a salad made of cucumber and this amazing salad mix i bought at the downtown decatur green market today. seriously, it's worth 4

dollars, and it's worth the trip. i drizzled fresh lemon juice and a dash of olive oil on top, with some cracked pepper.

i also had this delightful glass of water, also graced by that most lovely of phallic vegetables.

by my calculations, this amazing food was only about 14% of my recommended daily value of sodium (about 335 mg). eff. yeah.

Heart-Healthy Enchiladas from Heaven

Ok, some vegan should marry me for this.

This may be my most successful pantry-challenge yet. I am really making a concerted effort to eat the food I have, instead of continuing my pattern of manic proliferation of foodstuffs, just because I'm bored.

Tonight, I invented Enchiladas.

O. M. Jeezy.

They're good.

Here goes:

I opened a can of no-salt-added beans and threw them in a pot for a couple of minutes, just to get hot and let some of the seasonings in. I threw in some onion powder, equal parts cumin and coriander (thanks, Dusti), some white pepper and a touch of garlic powder.

Once those were good and hot, I tossed them aside (I'm fickle that way).

Then, because I have no dishwasher in my adorable new apartment, I rinsed the pot for the next round. The next round, by the way, was all of the vegetables I thought looked go-together-y from my fridge, freezer and pantry. I ended up with some garlic, a red onion (side note: woooooooooooo! that red onion had been in the pantry for a hot minute! when i was chopping it, i was crying as if i was watching sense and

sensibility!), the kernels from an ear of corn, some three pepper blend (bt-dubs, I really can't say enough about Trader Joes' frozen three pepper blend. It changes my life with each recipe.), and most of a package of baby bella mushrooms. Isn't that pretty?

I threw a tablespoon or two of olive oil in the pot and cooked the veggies, 1/2 batch at a time, until they got good and roast-y. In case you don't understand the terminology of good and roast-

y, feast your eyes:

Meanwhile, I made the sauce, thusly: I threw 2 or 3 tablespoons of no salt added tomato paste in a bowl and added spices until it tasted normal-y. I wanted oregano, but I'm out, so I used marjoram and just a bit of Italian seasoning. Of course, I added a bunch of chili powder, and also a touch of this other thing that I thought was chili powder, but was probably red curry powder. A touch of onion powder, some healthy dashed of aromatic bitters, 1/8 teaspoon coarse sea salt, some cracked pepper and a fair amount of cumin. Then I threw in 2 or 3 tablespoons of olive oil and enough water to make it the right consistency. (I like mine thick, but you can thin yours with more water just as easily.)

My veggies were done right about then, so I turned off the burner, turned on the oven, and started assembling.

I mixed the veggies together and put them on soft-taco sized whole wheat tortillas. These tortillas are the heavyweights in this meal, as far as salt content goes, so I filled them pretty full,

trying to help the good food --> salt ratio a little.

I lined them up in a 9x13 casserole dish (they ended up pretty big!), topped them with the sauce and baked them at 350 until I was done washing the dishes and having some orange juice, about 15 minutes.

Then I ate one up. I served it with some nonfat Greek yogurt in lieu of sour cream, but sour cream would be alright, too. I recommend something. I found that the yogurt was the final ingredient that brought the dish together and made it taste like more than just a lot of unsalted, cumin-y food. The onions had really sweetened up, as well, and they were delectable.

I have this new habit of counting sodium amounts in my head, the way hardcore dieters count calories. It's interesting; I think it is coincidentally teaching me portion control. By my calculations, each of the enchiladas had about 235-250 mg of sodium, or around 10% of your recommended daily intake. If you're a single girl, like me, who also happens to have freezer paper because you used it to stamp your own wrapping paper this Christmas, you might want to consider freezing the rest for quick meals to take with you.

Make.

Eat.

Enjoy.

Go in peace.

Multi-Grain Baking

So, Michela, who is pretty much the most awesome person I know, just asked my opinion about starting to bake with whole grain flour, and I realized that I actually have a lot of info to share. So, here you go, everyone in the world who is just slightly less awesome than Michela:

We should all be using whole wheat flour. white flour will kill you, as michael pollen would happily tell you. it's stripped of its nutrients, but it tastes...effing amazingly simple and pure. eventually, your palate will learn to respect the whole grain, and its complexity, even more.

here's what i know:

wheat flour is heavy, and the taste leaves something to be desired. here's how to deal with it, from what i have learned:

1. whole wheat pastry flour will act more like AP flour.

2. add a touch of honey or molasses to fill out the flavor, or try applesauce or mashed bananas

3. adjust the leavening agents. whole wheat flour requires more yeast, for example. also, adding a tablespoon or two of vital wheat gluten can make a big difference in texture. (wheat gluten is the shit gluten free peeps are afraid of. you can get it in the flour or health food section of most grocery stores. it comes in a little box, around the size of baking soda.)

4. change it up a little. oat flour is fucking delicious. i like to use 1/2 whole wheat and half oat in muffins and stuff...and all oat in cookies is great. alternately, throw in a couple of tablespoons of ground flax or buckwheat or anything else, to give variation from that flavor.

they will probably have more of this than you think at your regular grocery store.

Now, let's be honest. I can't have flour at all right now. I seem to be in a bit of a carb-detox (minus fruit, of course) and let me tell you what: it sucks completely. i srsly thought about punching my roommate to steal her pizza the other day...and...you know...i'm a quaker! so, this is all imaginary. as long as it is, let me throw in another tip that is helpful to those who are not having everything but lean meats and veggies cut out of their diet right now...salt. yum...

so anyway, other tips:

*salt, baby! it brings out the nutty flavors of whole grains. try sea salt or braggs for a healthy alternative.

*speaking of nuts (yeah, i wrote that) adding fruits and nuts to whole grain baking is like the best plan ever

*add a little fat, too. a dash of olive oil, butter or extra virgin coconut oil goes a long way.

* multi-grain pretty much always tastes better than whole wheat. (esp. pasta)

*white flour basically acts just like glue for your food (think about cupcakes...all the flour really does is bind them and puff them up.) whole grain flour is actual food. so you have to learn to work with it instead of just bending it to your will. this means that you have to try most recipes two or more times before you get them right again. (btw, as soon as i can eat this shit again, i'm posting the pumpkin muffin recipe, altered) have patience with yourself. going whole grain takes time to get just right, but keep doing it.

happy baking!

It's lucky I can cook, because it's been a WEEK! (and it's not over yet!)

I needed some comfort food. And I left work while it was still light outside (barely.) Tonight, in honor of being a human being, I am not reading all my emails and checking the voicemail on the special events line. I am not writing to partners and committee members and being supportive to actors...ok, well, fine. I am answering a couple of emails. But only the important ones from partners and committee members.

I made shepherd's pie. That's right, fool. And it's pretty awesome.

My recipe turned out to be pretty quick and dirty, you know, like me.

Ok, arrive home from grocery store, pour a glass of wine, set a big pot of water on the stove to boil.

Scrub-a-dub about a pound of ruby gold potatoes, cut into fourths and throw in the boiling water(peeling is for suckers). Meanwhile, toss a pound of ground turkey into a large skillet over medium-high heat. (Note: You're going to want a teensy bit of grease on your turkey a little later, so i would recommend getting a grind with a little fat in it. I'm cheap, so i just got the 85/15 turkey and poured out the grease just before adding the vegetables. What I'm saying is, I wouldn't go for the 99/1) While you're browning your turkey, cut up your fixin's. I used a precious little organic carrot, sliced, 2 stalks of celery, about a cup of frozen veg blend (carrots, peas, corn, green beans), one huge shallot, sliced, and some cut-up fresh herbs: rosemary, sage, thyme. That smelled orgasmic, btw.

Isn't it pretty?

Anyway, once my turkey was browned, I drained the grease, then added the vegetables and a bunch of cracked pepper and cooked it until the celery got a little transparent and the shallots broke up and started to look sauteed. uuuuuuggggggh.mmmmmmmmmmm. I just had my first bite of this food. My verdict: effing delicious, but if you're not trying to be heart-healthy, add some butter and salt to the potatoes. After my meat and veg (hehehehehhe) started to look not-raw, and a new, smaller batch of turkey grease had shown up, I added about a 1/4 cup of whole wheat flour. Meanwhile, my potatoes were about done, so I drained them, turned around and ...what the...right! I forgot about my glass of wine. It was also about this time that I remembered to preheat the oven. Happily sipping now, I started in on the potatoes. I added about a 1/2 cup of ricotta, 1/4 cup skim milk, a bunch of cracked pepper and a scant 1/8 teaspoon sea salt. mmmmuuuhhh. I almost wish this blog were a voice recording so you could hear me saying this while totally stuffing my face with this food. Now that my turkey/veg and flour mixture had spent a couple of minutes browning, I added 1 1/2 - 2 cups low-sodium chicken broth, which is amazing, and totally salt free, and I made on the night of the holy-shit-i-can-make-great-no-salt-chicken-broth-but-then-oops-i-broke-the-jar-and-now-only-have-one-and-a-half-cups incident. I let the chicken broth cook into the mixture and make a bit of a gravy for a couple of minutes while I preheated the oven. Because, you know, I forgot that before.

I transferred the meat/gravy/veg business to a 9x9 pyrex dish and topped it with the potatoes. Then, I smooshed the potatoes around until they made a delightful and semi-sealed layer on top.

So, swiss cheese has way less sodium than other cheeses. And fresh mozzarella...it's downright low sodium! The point of what I am saying is this: I hadn't had cheddar cheese, totes my fave, in nearly a month. So I cheated, just a little, and shredded just a wee taste of cheddar onto the top of my pie. Everything in moderation, I say. Otherwise, you'll go off the map completely. I try to take even my cheating seriously and be responsible about it, thus the fact that I resisted piling mountains of gooey, delectable extra-sharp cheddar all over my food.

I baked it at 375 (which would be closer to 400 if my oven told the truth) for about 20 minutes, or until the gravy business started bubbling out a little, and then I let it rest (in the microwave, because my cat, Hugo, can SO not be trusted.) for about 10 minutes. Then I ate it. And I still am. And it rulz.

Also, a note. I am having trouble with my image-y business in blogger today. Sorry if things are out of order!

Berry Sexy

When I was diagnosed with high cholesterol a few years back, my doctor put me on an insane diet. I already ate better than most people I knew and this took it to a whole new level. It was basically the Atkins diet, except without any of the fun fattening stuff. Low salt, low carb, low fat. So, basically, I was allowed to eat salad. All the time. Salad salad salad. More fucking salad. I wasn't even allowed to eat most FRUIT, for crying out loud. I lost a good little bit of weight on the diet and my cholesterol did, in fact, drop. Too bad it wasn't even vaguely sustainable. I was cranky all the time and basically obsessed with food. I felt incredibly deprived of all the sensual reasons that I love to eat.

So, every week or so, I would binge- I would eat a milkshake AND a brownie AND french fries AND chicken tenders. The binges began to happen more and more frequently until I was eating exponentially worse on the diet than I was before I started the damn thing. I ended up gaining all the weight back plus some and my cholesterol creeped back up.

This experience taught me an important lesson. If I'm going to be on a diet, it needs to be a diet of decadence. If I'm going to restrict myself, I better damn well enjoy it. I learned to add little ingredients to salads that made them feel luxurious, rather than like rabbit food. You would be amazed at how 1/2 an ounce of brie and a well herbed vinaigrette can really bring a salad to life. I learned that whole grains can be delicious if prepared right. And most importantly, I learned that berries are really really good for you and are basically the sexiest food on the planet. You know those commercials where chocolate is being poured into something and you just watch it drizzle and ripple like silky, liquid sex? I don't know why certain foods are so sexy but berries and chocolate are up there on the list of worlds sexiest foods. I can't really eat much chocolate on this diet- so berries it is..

1/2 cup blueberries
1/4 cup raspberries
1 tbs Fage 0% fat greek yogurt (or creme fraiche if you can afford the fat and want to make it really decadent)
1 tbs light coconut milk
teensy weensy drizzle of agave

-Place all berries in a small, beautiful bowl or a glass intended to serve alcholic beverages. Arrange them so they look like they're so tightly squeezed together that they might just burst.
-Top with dollop of yogurt or creme fraiche.
-Slowly pour coconut milk over berries, making sure you get some inside the raspberries.
- Finally, add an innocent little drizzle of agave. Just a tiny bit. Just enough so a few of the berries on the top row have little bitty glistening beads of agave.


Here's the great thing about this little bit of sex in a cup. It's really really fucking good for you. Blueberries are the shit. They really are a superfood. Joe and Terry Graedon (of The People's Pharmacy) have this to say about it in their book "Favorite Foods":

"Ounce for ounce, blueberries pack a bigger antioxidant punch than almost any other fruit or vegetable. Just 3.5 ounces of blueberries have 2400 ORAC units, a measure of Oxygen Radical Absorbance Capacity. That's about twice as much as spinach or broccoli... Blueberries seem to help brain cells withstand stress (Joseph et al, 2009) blueberries can also help lower blood pressure (Shaughnessy et al, 2009) and protect against stroke in rats (Yasuhara et al, 2008). Promising work at Ohio State University suggests that blueberry extract can block the development of blood vessels that feed tumors, and can inhibit inflammation that encourages their growth (Gordillo et al, 2009)."

The Graedons also suggest that the coconut milk and yogurt are excellent for GI problems.

So, the next time you need a little healthy decadence, seriously, think about some berries with coconut milk and yogurt. I'm guessing it will make you roll your eyes in the back of your head and let out a long satisfied sigh... mmmmm, foodgasm.


UPDATE: Apparently blueberries are ALSO good for GI issues, especially when combined with... you guessed it, probiotics. Yup, yogurt. I'm telling you, these little guys are amazing. hattip: Catie Braly

Say Hello to My Leeetle Friend!

All-Bran: I'd like you to meet some friends of mine.

1/2 c. All-Bran, please meet 3 Tbsp coconut milk, 1/2 c. skim milk and 1/2 c. blueberries. you are all going to be very happy together. in my belly. every freaking day. oh my goodness, this rules.

this meal contains about 6% daily recommended sodium intake, low sugar content (mostly from fruit, except for what's in the all-bran), whole grains and 100%-fucking-deliciousness.

i'm totally going to get the hang of this!

The Sky is Green Bran Muffins

My life is changing. My friend Melissa says it's like accepting that the sky is green. She's brilliant. She's also very good to me and supportive. I mean, I might still bake cupcakes, but today, I made bran muffins. Here's how it went:

Mix 1/2 c. wheat bran with 1/2 c. boiling water and set aside to let the water soak in.
Beat 1/2 c. extra virgin coconut oil in kitchen aid
Add 3/4 c. unsweetened applesauce and keep beating
Add bran with soaked-in water and 2 eggs.
Meanwhile, mix in separate bowl: 1 1/4 cup buckwheat flour, 1 t. baking powder, 4 T. Buttermilk powder
Add dry ingredients until combined. mix in 1/4 c. macadamia pieces, 1 shredded carrot, 2 peeled, diced kiwis, and a handful of cranberries (straight from the freezer, no problem).
Bake at 385, 12 minutes. Makes 12 or so.

Interesting tip: the leftover batter is refrigeratable for 2-4 weeks. you can make fresh muffins every morning if you'd like, just pull it out of the fridge and put that shit in a muffin cup!

Now, if you'd like to make yours taste way better than mine did, add 1/3 c. brown sugar and 1/4 t. salt. plus, you know, some cinnamon never hurt anybody. also a warning: fresh cranberries are tart as all get out (i now totally want a t-shirt that says tart as all get out.) if you use them, they will shock you. but once the muffins have cooled, the cranberries will be less of a tastebud-sore. (like eyesore. get it?)

i'm working on this, peeps. i'm working on accepting the changes, be they permanent or temporary, in my diet. it's hard. it's like learning to do everything all over again. some of my new recipes are going to suck. but i'm working it out. and, if you want to see it, you get to witness it, here, on the blog.

no need to be alarmed, btw. everything's fine. cheers! happy baking!

Editors Note: As it turns out, after a couple of hours, these muffins go from boring to...well..so boring. so, so boring. if you're using this recipe, tweak it. and as soon as i get it right, i'll delete this and add a better recipe.

Wonder Woman Cake

So Friday night. Lets discuss Friday night, shall we?

I was going to meet John's coworkers for the first time. We were going to get all dressed up, head over to Whiskey, and pretend like we were sorta fancy. One by one, the wives, girlfriends and dates started dropping out and, while I am more than comfortable as one of the guys, I realized that being the only lady amongst this crowd was a surefire way to ruin a perfectly good Manscursion.

My adorable and usually kinda oafish fiance gets all dressed up in his pinstripe pants, dress shirt and dress shoes. He even had me put some Aveda Control Paste in his hair. His best friend shows up from Greensboro to pick him up, also dressed to kill. So, I send my two hotties off and snuggle in to have a perfectly amazing Friday night at home, by myself. Some people don't like being alone. I usually get about 8 hours alone in my house a month, total. A whole night to sit on my ass, snuggle my animals and do nothing? By myself!!? I was fucking stoked. The Bones marathon began. Season 3. Gormogon. Rock.

Two episodes in, John calls me. In full wounded puppy mode, he informs me that some of the coworkers did a little pre-gaming, showing up to Whiskey sloshed. John made everyone leave and head to a dive bar where their drunkeness would be slightly more appropriate. One of them climbed on the roof of the bar, ripped his pants all the way to his crotch and proceeded to spend the rest of the evening demanding that people look his "inch and a half." The other one, who was supposed to be the DD, was so drunk that he kept passing out on the bar. Now, I should preface this by saying that occasionally, it becomes apparent how different our high school/college experiences must have been. This doesn't seem too appalling to me. This sounds hilarious. Like something I might want to get pictures of- because Monday morning blackmail is awesome.

Unfortunately, I had an unhappy fiance. We all know what that means, right? Time for baking!! My gorgeous 1950s oven hasn't really appreciated my baking efforts lately. The temperature vascillates between around 300 and 600 degrees, leaving my cupcakes scalded on the outside and straight up batter on the inside. I've discovered that if I turn it to 400, let it heat for an hour, crack the door, let it cool for a while and then just leave the dial 25 degrees under the temperature that I actually want it, I might have a chance at baking an okay cake. I rarely have the time to do this. Friday night, I had nothin' but time.

Normally, this would be the point that I cranked up the Mirah, but I was far too invested in the chemistry between Brennan and Booth. I rummaged through the pantry and found a box of Trader Joe's Madagascar Bourbon Vanilla Bean Cake Mix. Sweet. 1 cup of milk? Check. 2 eggs? Affirmative. 1 stick of butter? Rock. I couldn't bear to just whip up some boxed cake mix without doing anything to it, so I threw in 1/4 cup of Creme Fraiche, just to see what happened. I threw it all in a casserole dish and popped it in the oven for about 50 minutes. I knew when I smelled it that it was gonna be good as shit. I nibbled the corner and found it intensely moist but also surprisingly fluffy. The Halloween episode was on, the one where Bones is dressed like Wonder Woman.

Fuck. Frosting. I didn't have any room temperature butter. No eggs left for Meringue buttercream. No cream cheese. Creme Fraiche? That should work, right? I threw the rest of the tub in my table mixer. Slowly, I alternated between adding about 3/4 cup of Valrhona Cocoa Powder and about 1/3 cup of Confectioners Sugar. Normally, this is the point where I would add the liquid Jesus that is Vanilla Bean Paste. Kate gave me a jar for my birthday and I'm obsessed. OBSESSED. I try to put it in everything. Unfortunately, I thought it would be a fantastic idea to knock it off my counter and watch the jar shatter on my tile floor. After I had cleaned it up and dried my tears, I added plain old boring vanilla. Maybe 1/2 tsp Organic Vanilla Extract. Upon tasting it, I felt like it was still missing something. It was delicious and kind of tasted like a upscale European truffle- but it had a shallow backend. I added about 1 1/2 tsp Instant Espresso Powder and a teensy bit more cocoa powder. Finally I sprinkled some Fleur de Sel in there. For those of you not in the know, fleur de sel is a french, hand harvested sea salt. Despite having a higher mineral content than most salt, it tastes smoother, less metallic and smells a little bit like the ocean. Hot damn, kids. This shit was sex in my mouth. This was close your eyes and sigh delicious. This was no-shopping, no planning, impulse baking, dancing around my kitchen yum. I turned the mixer on 4 and beat the crap out of it for about 5 minutes and then slapped it on the cake. My trick- I put the cake in the freezer while I make the icing so it's nice and cool and I don't have to wait to frost it. I sprinkled some Fleur de Sel and cocoa powder on top once the frosting set and popped it in the fridge. Oh, I also used tweezers to place little decorating pearls in fun swirly heart shapes. It wasn't much to look at and I had to do something to make it feel special...

After about 6 episodes of bones and a belly full of cake batter and frosting, I passed out on the couch. I woke up when the boys got home to watch their faces when they opened the fridge to see their surprise. After hearing, "oh my god, mmm" I decided that my job was done. Baking is kind of like being a super hero, you know.. Except, instead of being smoking hot and badass tough bitches who make the world a better place through vigilantism, we are smoking hot and badass tough bitches who make the world a better place with carbs and foodgasms.