lime-in-da-coconut cupcakes

do you ever find yourself motivated to do something, just because you have a song stuck in your head? well. yesterday, i should have just listened to the joy of cooking about how to make that sweet, subtle, coconut milk pudding. but i did not. because i started thinking to myself...you put the lime in da coconut and shake it all up, you put the lime in da coconut...etc. but that shit tasted gross. so today, i made it into delicious cupcakes. take that, failure! when life gives me lemons, i'll fucking bake some shit! i'm not even scared.

furthermore, this entry serves to be a reminder of my firmly-held belief that the reason we all think that baking is a careful science is that type-a bakers and bakresses are just trying to make us feel badly about ourselves. i jacked up that pudding recipe. and these cupcakes showed warning signs of disaster several times. but they turned out light, fluffy, delectably crispy around the top edges and addictive like a teen aged girl reading twilight, you feel me?

ok, cream together:

1 stick u/s butter

1/4 c light brown sugar

1/2 c granulated sugar

add:
1 whole egg, plus 1 egg yolk

then, if you're a jackass like me, you can add:
1/2 c. lime-in-da-coconut pudding (the recipe, as i altered it to its detriment, went a little like 1 can coconut milk, juice of 1/2 lime, scant 2T sugar, scant 2T cornstarch, scant 1/8 t salt) you are lucky i am not posting the picture i took of that ugly dessert. ew. what you can do, instead, is use 1/3 cup coconut milk and the juice of 1/2 lime, plus one more tablespoon of sugar. that's really a much better idea. the joy of cooking is the bible to little ladies like me. i don't know why i was all worshipping a golden calf of adding lime juice! what's that? no one except me thinks golden calf jokes are funny? oh, ok.

at this point, my batter started to have that really unfortunate, i'm-trying-to-separate-from-myself look..you know the one...all slimy...i blame the pudding. (gentle reminder that no one should be intimidated by fear of baking disaster!) in any case, i shut that shit down by adding...

the dry ingredients:
1- 1/4 c. a.p. flour
2- 1/2 t. baking powder
1/4 t. salt
zest of 1/2 lime

wow, that baby goes fast!

except, they didn't taste really delicious yet. i kept thinking of adding vanilla or almond extract, but i didn't want to overpower the coconut milk. i did find the oldest known bottle of imitation coconut extract in the cabinet...

can you believe that shit? ...but it was actually empty. i just left it there, because that shit is hilarious! it was actually price marked 75 cents...ummm...ok, did you guys realize that the cent symbol is not even on the keyboard anymore? man, i am so old.

anyway, right around this time, i had my first brilliant epiphany, and added:

3 T. shredded sweetened coconut flakes. btw, i had a long talk with my mother this evening about how she needs to replace that wallpaper.
(and another 1/4 t. baking powder, but i'm not convinced that was necessary. yeah, ignore that)

this made the batter delicious enough for my favorite method of kitchen-aid beater cleanup:



the other epiphany was about the glaze on top. can you guess what it might involve?

bake until they're damn well good and ready. (this is why i think the other 1/4 t. baking soda was superfluous. they got all excited and exceeded their cups!) my parents have this little device called a cake tester. i get my obsession with kitchen gadgets naturally. the thing is, a toothpick actually works better than this device. but who am i to judge?

while the cakes were not yet cool enough to consume (i really just can't learn), i made my glaze.

now, i find the taste of confectioner's sugar overpowering and ooky, so i am always trying to alter it. this time, i did:

1/2 c. confectioner's sugar

1t. orange blossom honey

3 t. spiced rum

blend and drizzle, my frizzle.

except that the taste still grossed me out, so i added 2- 1/2 more teaspoons rum, poured over cupcakes and poked holes with the cake tester(finally! a good use for it!), so the booze would get all up in there. the cakes were pretty friggin' alright then. but when they cooled, they were freaking delicious.

you should know that this idea was inspired by a coconut cake recipe in the new york times cookbook, which substitutes coconut milk for milk. you should also know that this cookbook is ever present in my childhood memories. for example, this is the page with the pancake recipe. can you see the evidence of all 3 kids there? and how much we loved dying breakfast green on st. patrick's day?

Big Girl Panties Cupcakes- Chocolate Stout Cupcakes with Salted Caramel Cream Cheese Frosting

I'm gonna just go ahead and put this out there- These cupcakes are NOT for the faint hearted. They are not for children. They are not for the fragile or the delicate. These fuckers are NOT for pussies.

The cupcakes aren't sweet. They are intense, chocolaty and a lil' bit bitter. The icing is light, fluffy and sweet but insanely dimensional in flavor.

To sum it up- if you want to enjoy these cupcakes, put on your big girl panties and roll up your sleeves.

Cupcakes

Measure Yo' Shit:
1 cup delicious, sinful dark beer - I thought it would be a good idea to "taste-test" 4 different beers before choosing the perfect one. I chose Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout but I think any of them would have been awesome.
1/2 cup unsalted butter
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa - I used Ghirardelli because that's what I had, but I usually prefer Valrhona for, well, anything really.
2 cups dark brown sugar
2 teaspoons instant espresso powder - Instant coffee worked just fine.
3/4 cup sour cream
2 eggs
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
2 cups flour
2 1/2 teaspoons baking soda

Get Your Mix On-
Just to put this out there- I think the cupcake recipe could probably use some tweaking. There's a little too much baking soda and maybe not enough chocolate. I'm also morally opposed to being deprived of using my kitchenaid when I bake.

1)Try not to drink all the beer before you start. I know that shit is good as hell- but there should be plenty left over to drink while you bake.
2)Melt the butter and the beer over medium low heat
3)Whisk in the cocoa, sugar and espresso (coffee). This is the one part of the process that doesn't require EXACT measurement. Taste test it because this shit might be even better than the cupcakes. It's like drinking chocolate with coffee and beer. Seriously? Are you shitting me? Could anything BE any more delicious?
4) Mix the sour cream, eggs and vanilla and then add in the beer hot mocha heaven. It looks real purty when your mix it.
5) Of course you're supposed to sift the flour and baking soda. Personally, I don't believe in sifting. Throw that shit in a bowl and mix it up with your fingers. You are baking, bitch- if you aren't getting messy, you aren't doing it right.
6) Apparently you are supposed to fold that shit into the batter. I dunno, dude. The batter looked chunky- like fucking brownie mix and it tasted so baking soda-y that it made me pucker my lips...
7) Find some super cute cupcake liners. I would recommend the silver ones because the chocolate stained my cute vintage swirly ones. Bake at 350 for 25 minutes.
8) You can sit around and wait for that shit to cool down before icing, or you can throw it in the freezer. I'm impatient.

Salted Caramel:

4 tablespoons water
1 cup brown sugar
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
1/2 cup heavy cream
2 tablespoons butter
1/2 teaspoon lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon salt, kosher or sea

1) Heat the water, sugar, and the corn syrup on medium low. Maybe don't taste-test the carmel until it's done. That shit gets HOT. I have a burned tongue to prove it.

2)That's right, go ahead and put the lid on to reduce temptation. 3 minutes should do the trick.

3) Increase the heat ever so slightly. No more stirring from hear on out- just shake and shimmy the pan so you don't burn your delicious caramel. Now, I should remind you that you're supposed to be listening to mirah- this means you should be singing at the top of your lungs to The Garden right about now and doing interpretive dance in your kitchen.

4) It's gonna bubble and get really funky looking for a while. Be patient and keep shaking the pot until it looks like amber.

5) Remove the pot from the heat and pour in the heavy cream... mmmmmm, heavy cream

6) You're allowed to stir it again, but, seriously kids, I know you didn't follow my advice and you tasted it the first time. Try not to make the same mistake again. This shit is hot. Like me and K

7) Add the butter, lemon juice, and salt and stir that shit like it's been misbehaving.

8) Pour into a glass bowl or measuring cup and let it sit for about 20 minutes. You should be able to taste it after a couple of minutes. Blow first. It will thicken with time- just like the hottest girls I know.

Frosting:

So, I followed the recipe fairly strictly up until this point- The first time I try a new recipe, I tend to be pretty obedient. I'm sure I will update this entry the more times I bake it. The icing? That's a different story. That's the part of cupcake baking that I love- it's so hard to mess it up and you can just add shit and taste until you get what you want.

1.5 sticks unsalted butter at room temperature
6 ounces cream cheese
4-7 cups powdered sugar
3/4 cup salted caramel

Oh, I might've added half of a scraped out vanilla bean and 1/2 a cup of beer. Because I like beer.

1) throw in the dairy goodness and beat that shit into submission. Usually 1 or 2 minutes gets it nice and creamy.

2) Remember, sifting is bullshit. Throw two cups of sugar and mix for another minute

3) added the salted caramel (ssshhhh- and some beer)

4) now keep adding sugar, scraping the sides and bottom, mixing and adding sugar until you've got a good thick consistency that isn't crunchy in your teeth.

Put It All Together:

• Frost the cupcakes- I used my standard 1M and just did a yogurt pump swirl
• Drizzle leftover salted caramel over them- I found it looked best if you try to drizzle in the general direction that you frosted
• Sprinkle some kosher salt over the top.
  
• Garnish with chocolate covered espresso beans.

Hattip: http://thebrooklynkitchen.wordpress.com/2008/05/20/best-in-show-the-prizewinning-cupcakes/